Diagnosis: Love Struck Fool
by RedneckOtaku
Summary: What do you get when you mix a lustful Colonel Roy Mustang, a triggerhappy Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye and throw in a long night of paperwork to be done.... R&R to find out
1. Hell Fear None But A Hawkeye And Her Gun

Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist. I also do not own the magazine called Sports Illustrated.

Diagnosis: Love Struck Fool

Chapter One

The military operations building was empty, considering it was close to ten o'clock on a Thursday night. The only two people left were Colonel Roy Mustang, who was sitting in his office trying to avoid his abnormally large stacks of paperwork, and his subordinate.  
"Sir, you should be working on your paperwork." Roy looked up and looked directly down the long black barrel of a pistol. His subordinate, Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye, was pointing a gun to his head.  
"Lt. Hawkeye, I really don't feel too good. In fact I think I have a terrible disease that reacts to touching paperwork. I'll break into a rash. I'll start swelling! I might even end up in the hospital." Roy looked up, a new talent of acting stepped into his mind as he put on a performance of trying to be allergic to paperwork. Unfortunate for him, Lt. Hawkeye wasn't a big fan of dramas, nor plays.  
"Either way you'll land in the hospital - if you touch your paperwork or don't do your paperwork. And if I may make a suggestion ...Sir, I suggest touching your paperwork would hurt much less then a bullet in your head." She answered simply. Roy gulped and nodded as he watched the gun slowly go back in its holster. 'How lazy is he?' Hawkeye thought to herself as she clicked the safety on and sat behind her desk.  
Roy looked up at Hawkeye and then glanced at his paperwork. He began working for the fear of dying because of a gunshot. About an hour later, Hawkeye left to go grab a cup of coffee. Roy remained in his office, doing 'paperwork'. When Hawkeye returned, she looked over at Roy, hand on her gun holster. She smiled to herself, then proceeded to walk to her desk.  
'Strange. Very strange indeed.' Roy thought as he lifted the magazine up to a slight 20 degree angle. Hawkeye didn't even notice the 'Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Addition' magazine on Roy's desk. He studied each page with a sharp eye and drooled at the girls.  
BANG!  
BANG!  
BANG!  
Roy's magazine fell to the desk in a smoking mess. It had 3 giant holes. Roy ducked and Hawkeye, who was now standing in front of his desk, glared at him. "If you want hookers sir, go to a bar. If you want your life, please continue your paperwork." Hawkeye stated coldly and then added, "Sir"  
"Hawkeye, I don't need hookers. I need mini-skirts, not to mention co-workers in mini skirts." Roy smirked his trademark smirk as he sat back up. Hawkeye pondered a bit, and then began to answer.  
"I am sure Havoc, Falman, Breda, and Cain will wear mini-skirts if you want them to. I'll go talk to them." She smiled a deadly smile and waited for an answer.

"That's okay lieutenant. I'd rather see you in a mini skirt. What do you think?" Roy smiled.

BANG!

BANG!

"Don't be so stingy." Roy whimpered, dropping his head downward and pulling some paperwork off his large pile, trying to avoid more bullets. Hawkeye walked back to her desk leaving the two fresh bullet holes smoking behind Roy's desk. Roy smiled to himself, looking up at Hawkeye from the corner of his eye. 'Her answers are so original... and unique.'

Roy wanted Hawkeye, bad. His late buddy Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes always told him you want what you can't have. And Hawkeye was the one girl in the 'whole world' that Roy couldn't have. He couldn't get close to her without risking a gunshot wound, or other. He remembered clearly two years ago when he tried to seduce her on Valentines day, actually it was another long night of paperwork, so Valentines 'night'. He hit on her and she hit on him. She hit on him all right, with her gun's hilt on the back of his head. Roy smiled, tonight he wouldn't fear 'The Gun'. He would flirt with her, instead.

A/N- Well? Please R&R. This was suppose to be a once shot. But I figured I'll make it a double shot with sexual tension on the side. WAITER! MY ORDER PLEASE! 


	2. To Fear or Flirt, That Is The Question

Chapter Two

"Lieutenant. Do you know how 'fine' you look today?" Roy asked, putting his pen down and leaning on his hand looking across the room at Hawkeye.

"Sir, do you know what typically happens to men who have a 'playboy' state of mind?" Hawkeye asked, not once lifting her head, and continued to do her paperwork.

"They capture the heart of girls like you, lieutenant?" Roy smiled, not taking his eyes of his golden haired subordinate. He stood up and walked over to Hawkeye's desk, unannounced to her.

"Wrong, sir. They die a painful death with hundreds of bullet wounds. Especially if they try this sort of thing at a time of 2400h." Hawkeye said, lifting her head slightly to look at her watch, then over at Roy's desk. He wasn't their and she arched an eyebrow. Roy slipped his arms around Hawkeye's waist and she blushed a whole new shade of red.  
"You wouldn't kill me, lieutenant. You just talk the talk." He smirked with tons of playfulness in his face and voice.

"Sir? Are you ...flirting with me?" She stuttered, a little shaken by his actions.

"Why Lt. Hawkeye. Who wouldn't want to flirt with you?" Roy asked, still playfully. Hawkeye didn't move. She just stared straight ahead at the opposite wall.

'I can reach my gun, I could easily shoot his testosterone factory right off, yet he still flirts?' Hawkeye thought to herself as she felt her face blush a new shade of red. 'Why...why aren't I shooting him?'

Roy removed one arm from around her waist and unclipped her hair, allowing the long golden waves to fall gracefully down her back. He ran his fingers through it gracefully and smoothly.

"Sir?" She stuttered as she dropped the pen she was holding. 'Grab your gun idiot. Grab it and shoot him!' Her brain was yelling orders at her. 'Don't shoot him. Turn around and embrace him. Kiss him.' Her heart was contradicting her brain.

Hawkeye was beginning to feel weak as her heart and brain fought over what she should do. Her heart was pounding hard in her chest and her head was starting to ache. Roy then moved his hand from her hair and placed it on the arm rest of her chair and spun her around to face him.

"Lieutenant?" You mimicked Hawkeye, his face wasn't the usual perverted playfulness she noticed. His expressions were the same, yet...different. Like he wasn't just acting on impulse, but by heart instead. Within a blink, Roy bent down and placed his lips firmly against that of Hawkeye's. Hawkeye just stared wide-eyed as Roy kissed her. 'Pull away!' Her brain shouted. 'No. Move in for the kill.' Her hear ordered. 'Shut up!' Her conscience yelled at both as Hawkeye felt her body turn into jelly. What she did next, shocked herself, her brain, her heart and her conscience all at once. She launched herself off her chair and fell right into Roy's arms which wrapped around her body.

"Lieutenant! Didn't know you had it in you." Roy smiled as he backed into the wall, not refusing the offer, but only turning the situation into his control.

"Shut up. Less talk, more action." Hawkeye stated, then added "Sir." As Roy pulled her to the floor and rolled atop of her, hitting the light switch with a snap of his fingers as he did so.

"Yes ma'am." Roy replied as he proceeded to remove the bulky blue uniform jacket from his 'fallen' subordinate, not removing his lips from hers.

About six hours later..., Roy was standing behind his desk straightening his jacket. He patted down his hair and did his best to cover up his appearance of what just happened. Hawkeye came walking into the office, her once ruffled hair now neatly clipped back behind her head and her black tank top neatly pressed.

"Your jacket, lieutenant." Roy smiled and handed her jacket from the coat rack. He looked at his watch and relised it was 6:30 am. Hawkeye also looked at her watch and relised the time. She put her coat on and walked closer to him. She licked her finger and smoothed out a stray piece of hair that was sticking out in the back of his head. She grabbed her gun which was on the floor next to Roy's chair and placed it back into it's holster. (Roy's idea of safe sex, no gun for Hawkeye)

"Coffee, sir?" She smiled playfully and he agreed.

"When I return, sir, I expect to see you completing your paperwork. Wouldn't want to stay late again would we?" Hawkeye left the office and began to make coffee in the break room. Roy smiled. 'Paperwork? Who wants to do paperwork when I get punished like that?' He thought to himself as his subordinate Lieutenant Jean Havoc arrived for work and stopped in his office to say good morning.

When Havoc left, Hawkeye returned with a cup of coffee for Roy and a cup of tea for herself. Roy smiled as he watched Hawkeye button up her jacket and then smooth out all the rough edges in her uniform. 'I think late nights are going to become a habit for me.' He smiled as he sat down behind his desk. Hawkeye sat behind hers and tried to concentrate on her work.

"Sir, you should be working on your paperwork" Hawkeye said as Roy looked up and saw not a gun barrel but a playful look on her face.

"Lt. Hawkeye, I really don't feel too good. In fact I think I have a terrible disease that reacts to touching paperwork." Roy smiled. Just then, Lieutenant Kain Fuery entered to say good morning.

"If you value your life, please continue your paperwork." Hawkeye stated coldly and then added, "Sir." Fuery gulped, then exited the room. Hawkeye smiled and Roy smiled back as they began working.

A/N- Come one people. You know this is exactly what they do when the cameras are shut off and no one is watching. All those late night 'paperwork' nights. Come one. Please R&R. Constructive criticism accepted. No flames (That's Roy's job)

Please look in my profile oo0AnimeChild0oo for all my other stories. I have finished stories, in progress stories and some stories that are forever on going with no end. I also often make request in my profile for help finding information. So please, check out my profile. And again, thanks for reading. 


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